Para Soma

We hear an ominous, religiously grand, encroaching music and the crackling of fire.

Herald: Do you hear it?

The music and the fire get louder then softer.

Herald: closer… farther… closer than you think… or is it inside already?

We hear Pip’s screams from the attack echoing in the distance.

Herald: Do you know the greatest pain? It isn’t torture, or cruelty, it isn’t grief or even betrayal… though you did betray them.  You broke their heart and they’ll never forget it.  

We hear beneath the crackling fire a sound of chewing.  Gorging.

Herald: They let you feast… feast upon their whole heart and you spat it out.  You lied-but even that pain is not the deepest cut.  The pain- the pain down to the bone, because by its very nature it cannot be healed…  is regret.

Regret is the ache that can never be mended because it's submerged in the past.  Locked behind the immovable wall of time.

Herald takes an inhalation of maze air and lets it hiss out slowly 

The music and the fire and the Herald’s voice begin to crescendo until it’s almost too loud for comfort.

Herald: You were a breath away from paradise.  From freedom.  Not just for yourself but for all of you.  You can’t know it- couldn’t see it, but you’ll suffer for it.  

Herald takes another deep inhalation of something and begins to slip into a manic frenzy

Herald: Like Lucifer the morningstar in the book of lies. 

Who crossed the invisible line and sinned the first time, 

you’ll learn to regret.

Oh you’ll regret, you’ll REEE-GRET, you’ll REGRET!  Singing deliriously WE could have had it, we could have been free!!!! 

Suddenly lucid and sounding much closer

Herald: Wake up.  Wake up and enjoy the dark.

All of the music and fire cuts abruptly.

Herald: Wake up.

Phillipa wakes-screaming, gasping, out of breath, drenched in sweat and clawing around.

We hear a table overturn.

Pip: slowly composing herself Shit… oh ohhhh shit… oh fuck.ing.hell… the next lines are said in a strained grief Oh my god… it's still true… noooo… oh no it's still true… please just let it not be truuuue…

We hear Pip break down and cry for a few moments.

Pip: sucking in air desperately to try to catch her lost breath  OOOoooo.  Fuck… ok… ok… get it together… breath catches in her throat.  She takes a moment and inhales and exhales  It’s ok, it’s ok.  You’re ok.

Jinx: meow

Pip: Oh, hey yeah, shit, did I knock you off the bed again?  Sorry buddy, just uh… just thrashing in total panic from night terrors again.  Psp psp psp.  cat calling sounds

Jinx: purr

Pip: yeah, good boy. Ok, shit.  I… did I?  Yup knocked my fucking nightstand over again… Should I bolt it down and risk breaking my hand on it?  No? Just keep fumbling around for my things every morning so you can jump on me and make like we are playing?  Sure, sounds good.

We hear her grabbing around for her things.  Jinx meows a few times.

Pip: Yeah, thanks buddy I got it.  Phone,where are you?

Phone: I’m here, Phillipa.

Pip: One more time.

Phone: I’m here, Phillipa.

Pip: Ok, thank you. beat  Phone, call Luca on speakerphone. 

Phone: Calling Luca.

We hear a few rings before he picks up.

Luca: Hiya.  Did you sleep ok?

Pip: Yeah, until the part where fire and a horror voice told me a few fun things about suffering.

Luca: Was it the same, or different?

Pip: I dunno… the same?

Luca: Did you recognize the voice at all yet?  You said it sounded kinda familiar?

Pip: Yeah, but not… no I can’t place it, but yeah still familiar.

Luca: Ok, and you had the new recorder going?

Pip: Yeah, I put it a little way away from my bed because I tend to thrash myself awake these days and freak out until I remember that my eyes ARE open and the horror of that realization settles in… 

Luca: fuck…

Pip: Yeah, sorry.

Luca: I mean, me too. beat I’ll come down and listen, see if the tweaking I did caught him yet.

Pip: At a certain point you have to admit it might just be your run of the mill night terrors after a friend of mine blinded me with a knife in the downstairs breakroom…

Luca: I mean, I guess, and that would be totally understandable, but they’ve got me expanding and deepening the cylinders, just dumping resources at anything that might help them find out how the heretics are communicating, why we can’t hear them… so I figured as long as I’m doing that…

Pip: They still haven’t found one yet?

Luca: Oh they’ve found a bunch of them, but they can’t catch them.  They don’t know how but they can disappear.  Even the observers with those… those like gold cones on their heads?

Pip: Jesus, yeah, one thing I’m glad I’ll never have to see.

Luca: Yeah they are awful, like I don’t know how they don’t die wearing those things…

Pip: Huh…

Luca: Yeah… I guess you’re right… maybe they do…

Pip: Lovely…

Luca: Right, they can’t find them, and the half dozen or so they’ve cornered have… like… destroyed themselves.

Pip: Jesus.

Luca: Yeah.

Pip: Why doesn’t he… you know, bring them back?  Make them talk.

Luca: I don’t know, I haven’t had a chance to really talk to him much.

Pip: Me either… Is he still…

Luca: Yeah.

Pip: Fuck.  

Luca: But luckily he’s also not here much.  I think he’s in Australia right now actually…

Pip: Other side of the world… still feels too close.

Luca: It's not his fault.

Pip: I know, I know… changing the topic  Are you gonna come down here for lunch?

Luca: I can’t today, if you wanted to just pop up to the workshop we could chat while I finish this?

Pip: I’ll stop ya right there.

Luca: You can’t stay down there forever.

Pip: You wanna bet?  Cosa keeps the fridge stocked, Jinx curls up in my lap while I go through Apocrypha with the screen reader and… you know… Cosa’s great company.

simultaneous

Luca: No they aren’t. Pip: No they aren’t.

They laugh.

Luca: What?

Pip: I didn’t say anything.

Luca: No, it's Ingram, sorry.  not at the phone  Yeah, I’m ready.  back to the phone sorry Pip, Emea’s asking for us, she’s got more Royal honey I can use, but, you know it's not stable at general reality wavelength so I’ve gotta…

Pip: What?  Sorry, I can’t hear you over what an amazing time I’m having in the archive.  Gotta go, bye!  The mixer and dance starts in a few minutes, gotta do my hair bye!

Luca: laughing k bye. Love you!

Pip: Love you too.

Cosa: We did not clear a dance and mixer.

Pip: Jesus fuck, you snuck up on me.

Cosa: Your inability to see makes that difficult not to do.

Pip: Yeah… sure.

Cosa: It is not appropriate to host parties in the archives.  The apocrypha could be spilled on.  The tomes could devour the unwary.

Pip: It's a joke.  Remember how we’ve been talking about those.

Cosa: Yes.  They don’t seem very useful.  

Pip: I guess not…but they make me feel better.  

Cosa: I have made you oatmeal.

Pip: Oh… yeah thank you, I’ll be right there.

Cosa: Would you like me to lead you?

Pip: No.  No thanks.  I’m getting better at navigating the stacks.

Cosa: You aren’t really.  And restacking books that you knock over is not efficient.

Pip: I know.

Cosa: Very well… Your oatmeal is congealing presently.

Pip: I know, thank you Cosa, I’ll be right over.

We hear Pip fumble around in the room for a moment until her hands find the recorder.  

Pip: there you are.  Ok, you’re coming with me.  thinks I really am talking to inanimate objects an awful lot these days…

Click— Click

Pip: Ok there’s that.

Delia: That's one of the new ones?

Pip: Yup.  Hot off the… press?  I don’t know what they  make them on.  Never went to the workshop and now it would all just be noise. 

Delia: I’m sure Luca would explain it to you.

Pip: It’s nice to have a mystery of the not-going-to-kill-me variety. 

Delia: Speaking of Luca, the two of you seem closer than ever. 

Pip: He’s family. slight laugh I know for a fact his leg has healed, but he pretends it still bothers him. 

Delia: Why would he do that?

Pip: So I don’t feel like the only one still broken…

Delia: Pip…

Pip: What? I’m a seer. “See” is quite literally in my job description. How else should I describe myself?

Delia: And what about Julie? She may never be the person she was before her encounter with the Feeder. Would you say that she’s broken? 

Pip: Well, considering Kat punched the last person who said something about her sister…

Delia: And that’s the only reason?

Pip: pause No. 

Delia: Then maybe try giving yourself a bit of that compassion? It hasn’t been that long. You’re still learning how to navigate your new reality. You can be frustrated and angry and sad, whatever it is you feel, but none of that makes you broken. 

Beat

How are you sleeping? 

Pip: The same. So, not, most nights.  Best guess is whatever curse keeps them from being able to heal my eyes comes with other… cursey components.  Being screamed awake by some psycho in a burning church is apparently one of my side benefits.

Delia: A church?  When we talked last you said you couldn’t see…

Pip: Yeah I can’t see even in my dreams, it’s just there was like… music?  Kinda culty religious music.  Although all religious music sounds culty to me.  Sorry.

Delia: You don’t have to apologize.

Pip: I know.  It’s reflexive.

Delia:  We’ve talked about the fear when you’re awake, too. How has that been?

Pip: thinks Some days it’s better.  Some days I… I have a string of successes.  I… um, I get around ok.  I read something in the vessel apocrypha that makes me feel the littlest bit like I understand some aspect of some supernatural nightmare thing and in understanding it, it's a little less nightmare-y.  I remind myself I’m in the archives, where… he couldn’t get.  Cosa’s around, he couldn’t get past them, so you know, I tell myself I’m in a safe place and sometimes I even believe it… but…

Delia: It's ok.

Pip: But then… that feeling.  It… creeps in.  Like… it’s like I’m in this warm bath, I’ve got my books and my bathbomb and it smells so nice and the heat is soaking into my bones and just as I start to sigh… ice water… someone’s pouring ice water in… and it doesn't get to me right away, I pull my legs down, try to stay in the warm, but it just seeps  in until eventually I can’t find anywhere that feels warm anymore.

That feeling worms its way into my brain and the goosebumps start, the tension cramps up my shoulders.  I get stuck in this moment…

Ok… wipes tears let me give you a specific example.  Earlier today.  I had just eaten breakfast, Cosa makes incredible oatmeal, somehow and I’d had Jinx on my lap and I was making some progress on Matriarchies of the Ancient world and things were good right.  I felt safe.

But then, as I was heading back to my room… of course I am still struggling to kinda, map everything out, but I am getting better at it.  I feel sometimes like I kinda know where everything around me is, where every ONE around me is.  Cosa was upstairs.  Jinx had scampered ahead.  I kinda knew where the stacks around me were, even that one that sticks out farther than the others and fucking catches my knee, but then… there was this other thing.

This feeling.

It creeps in.

That’s there, that’s here, that’s over there… everything just how i’m expecting it… but then… whats THIS thing.  I actually kinda curl up my shoulders thinking something is about to… reach out and touch me from behind.  Tap me.  But jinx is over there and cosa is upstairs so what is this OTHER thing… there’s something else in the room with me… I’m SURE of it.  But Cosa ALWAYS announces when someone else is coming into the archives, which people don’t do very often.  I try to put it out of my mind, but as I’m walking… it follows me… the feeling.  Like it's getting closer.  I actually called out like, “hello is anyone there.”

But of course there isn’t and then I feel unhinged as this thing that’s just a feeling gets closer and closer… then it's just gone and its ABSENCE makes me feel even worse because if it is gone, that means it was THERE in the first place…

Delia: That sounds really terrifying.

Pip: Yeah… fights a few tears I mean, I know this isn’t going to be easy… I just… I’m so scared ALL the time.  I’ve locked myself up in the safest place I can think of and I’m still just so scared … I’m like this little kid panicking for the lightswitch while the thing under the bed is scrabbling at my ankles but the lightswitch has been… cut out and it can’t get replaced… oh my god this is my life forever… this is.. Is. starts to lose it

Delia: Ok, hey. Pip, I’m taking your hand. It’s just me, there’s no one else here. Just take a minute and breathe. 

Pip: oh shit… sorry, I uh, fuck, got really panicky for a second there.

Delia: Under the circumstances, you’re being remarkably brave.  

Pip: Oh yeah, I feel really remarkable.

Delia: I could tell you that the archives are powerfully warded and that nothing gets in and out.  I could tell you the Ardent is safe. But a lot of people’s faith in our security has been… shaken.  I myself wouldn’t have survived the attack if not for Jinx actually.

Pip: Really?  How have I not heard this story?

Delia: I try to listen more than tell stories.  Let’s just say that Jinx can be as terrifying as anything that came crawling out of the walls here.

Pip: Aww, our little heroic monster boy.

Delia: Yes.  But suffice to say we have all been shaken up and injured inside and out.  Some wounds are obvious, some heal more quickly, but everyone who survived that night still carries the scars, one way or another. It takes time. Don’t rush yourself. And don’t beat yourself up for not being where you think you should be.

There is a knock on the door

Cid: sorry to interrupt, but yes! There you are Phillipa, I didn’t imagine you’d still be down here, turning into quite the book worm aren’t you? I too know the allure of the vessel apocrypha.

Delia: Master Cid we are in the middle of a counseling session.

Pip: I thought you were in Australia.

Cid: I was and shall be again shortly.  Fascinating find, a body half frozen solid and half burned to a crisp.  Just had to nip back for some supplies, the first vocalizer melted, front half of the body is still quite hot.  But happened into Emea and they had these ready.  I will drop them here with you and you can take a look, so to speak, at your convenience, I think you’ll be quite pleased.  Ok, that’s all, I’ll stop back for tea or some such before long.  Take care my dear.

There is a long silence after he leaves before Pip breaks down crying.

Pip: composing herself after a moment  He has NO idea does he.

Delia: He doesn't seem to.

Pip: Oh my god… and poor luca… just… that FACE walking around here… that voice… calling me MY DEAR.

Delia: I really can broach this subject…

Pip: NO… no.  I… he’s been through as much… more than any of us… just… I’ll… I’ll think of how to say this… I can do that much…  Just kinda awkward.  “Hey your knew body is freaking us the fuck out.”  Honestly I don’t understand how he doesn't get that.

Delia: He’s been in extreme high drive since the incident.  He’s assumed leadership over the Order again, basically the whole order.  A lot of things have changed.  He calls it a “war footing.”

Pip: Great… uh… what did he leave?

Delia: It appears to be rectangular glass plates?… oh… how interesting, here.

We hear a light clacking

Pip: Are they glass?  Oh… they are kinda 3-D… these raised parts… is this a picture?  It’s smooth and… is that… oh… oh shit.

Pip: her voice is very altered and layered with echos  Number seventeen.  The Star. A light appears in the darkness.

Delia: What was that?

Pip: They are tarot cards… tarot cards engraved into ghost wax.

Click clack