Episode 42: Lorem

Narrator: Welcome to Ghost Wax, a Far and Tall Tales Production. The following story may contain graphic content. Listener discretion is advised. 

[Intro Music]

Episode 42, Lorem

Recorder clicks on

~Kat~

Delia: Alright, we should be good to go. 

Kat: You’re recording this?

Delia: Just for my records. Trying to take notes on everything is distracting–I can’t really listen to what you’re saying and you end up getting distracted trying to figure out what I’m writing down. Have you worked with a therapist before?

Kat: Sure.

Delia: The rules about disclosure are pretty similar. Obviously “imminent threat to others” kind of depends on who the “other” is. If I think you’re a risk to yourself or to the Order I have to report it, but I’ll do everything I can to tell you first. Sound ok?

Kat: Do I have a choice?

Delia No, not really. But neither do I, if that makes you feel any better. 

Kat: slightly mocking No, not really.

Delia: Fair enough. Want to start with why you got sent to see me?

Kat: Don’t you know? Like, haven’t you seen my file or whatever?

Delia: Sure, but it’s helpful to hear your version of what happened. 

beat

Delia: Or we can stare at each other for another 

pause  fifty-five minutes. 

Kat: Grudgingly Apparently the Order has rules around when physical violence is acceptable. It was all well and good when I took out more of the beat feeders in a year than they’d managed in the last decade, but punch a coworker in the mess hall and suddenly it’s “potentially unstable” and “a threat to security.” Realizes something. Shit. Are they going to kick me out? They can’t. Please, I’ll do whatever you want, anger management or conflict resolution, anything.

Delia: Hey, Kat. Just tell me what happened. 

Kat: I was already in an awful mood. My first ride along didn’t exactly go well. Pretty sure Margot hates me. I just, I don’t know, I refuse to believe that someone is too far gone to be saved. Or maybe just refused to believe that I’d fucked up again. So I was moping. Worrying about what it meant for me. Sitting by myself in the corner just minding my own business when he comes up all smiles and “is anyone sitting here?” I tried to ignore him, but…he started talking about my sister. 

Delia: Your sister?

Kat: angry, frustrated noise YES. My sister, Julie, who’s sitting upstairs, probably staring at a wall because oh, by the way, monsters are real and, oh yeah,  if you want to stay with your sister you have to move halfway across the country and join some secret society that hunts them down.         

Delia: What did Charles say about her?

Kat: He asked if my sister was the one who was going to be an Observer. And I guess I looked confused because he very excitedly explained the process and how amazing it was that people could still be useful to the Order even after they were gone. But that’s not. true. She’s not gone. She’s, I don’t know, trapped, or lost, but she’s in there, I know she is. And they said they’d help me take care of her. They strongly implied they could help her. They definitely didn’t say anything about drilling a fucking hole in her head. And he didn’t get it. Was just, I don’t know, totally clueless, like of course that was the plan, how could I possibly object if she would be useful. 

So I hit him. 

I took some self-defense classes along with all the magic stuff I learned from Madge. I was spending a lot of time alone in dark bars and had to convince more than a few normal human creeps that I wasn’t worth messing with. 

I hit him really hard. I think I broke his nose. 

Delia: Kat, what made you say “yes”? When they asked you to move into the Ardent?

Kat: I didn’t really have a choice. We…me, Julie, and Madge, we were barely scraping by. I didn’t know how much longer I could keep taking care of Julie by myself. I’m sure you think that’s selfish. I’m given the opportunity to protect humanity or whatever and the most exciting part of it is that we can stop living off of ramen. 

*Kat waits a moment for Delia to respond. She doesn’t]

Kat: Julie always looked out for me. Even though she was younger, she was the brave one. And the one fucking time she needed me to protect her, I wasn’t there. I was so mad about stupid little things, I couldn’t see what was really going on. So yeah, if I can help other people then great, but I’m here because I fucked up and I need to make it up to my sister. 

Delia: Kat. What happened to Julie isn’t your fault. 

Kat: Maybe. But the way it happened? That’s my fault. She was in trouble and I yelled at her. If she doesn’t, if she’s not, if that fight is the last thing she remembers about me…do you think she’s still there?

Delia: I don’t know. 

Kat: What are you going to tell them?

Delia: What do you want me to tell them?

Kat: I want to stay.

~Voncid~

Voncid: I just want you to know, that I’m not expecting anything from you.  This is a waste of your time and mine and it’s fine if we just sit and have some tea and listen to old records.

Delia: I think there are several people above both our paygrades that would have something to say about that.

Voncid: No one is really getting paid though, are they.

Delia: A figure of speech, as you’re well aware.

Voncid: Is that what you do?  Tell me what I think and what I know?  Is that what this is?

Delia: I’d much prefer you tell me yourself.

Voncid: What would you like me to tell you?  That I broke protocol willingly?  That I delved into magical arts that are forbidden even by our… loose codes of ethics?  Why those are forbidden?  Because of horrible mistakes of the past and personal fear of my associates? Yes, I did, guilty on all counts. 

Delia: I know that already. Tell me why. 

Voncid: Because I’m old, and tired, and I don’t think all of these… safeguards are appropriate any longer.

Delia: You don’t need to dance around it, we both know I can’t be fully briefed on the details, but is it possible you’re using that fact as a shield?  Making it about the crafting of high magic, and keeping of protocol and obeying safeguards instead of the more base human emotions at the root of it? This isn’t the first time you’ve taken matters into your own hands. What about Madelyn?

Voncid: What about her?

Delia: I’ll be more precise. What about Mr. Simmons? Madelyn’s neighbor?

Voncid: Yes… I want to continue being evasive, I really do, and to say that it was the encounter with That Which Consumes that shook me and caused a lapse in judgment… but that would not be the truth.  The truth was I decided to hurt that man much earlier in the taking of that testimony… It was a failing.  A weakness.  I as much as anyone believe we should not become involved in passing judgment on people or meeting out punishment for evil of a mundane nature, as tempting as that is… I just… I don’t know… I wanted to and I could.  Isn’t that sad?  As old as I am, and trained as my heart is, and yet sometimes just being able to do something you want is a temptation that cannot be passed by.

Delia: I don’t know that I would call feeling empathy for a child “sad.”

Voncid: If only it was the empathy for the child and not the indignation and fury at the man that drove me… she was gone, the damage done, nothing to protect.  It was simple anger.  Superiority.  I corrected him like a dog, something I had no right to do.

Delia: Are you trying to convince me or yourself?

Voncid: I am simply trying to be convincing… I don’t suppose I would have done it, if I really believed it was wrong at my core.  Intellectually, ethically, I know I have no right to pass judgment and hand out a sentence, but if you’re asking do I regret it, then, no I suppose I don’t.

Delia: Again, it sounds like a problem of human emotion, rather than one of rationality or regulations. 

Voncid: You are on to something there, I think.  I am certainly what you might call venerable.  I’ve been a person longer than basically anyone else… maybe it’s finally starting to rub off on me.

~Charlie~

Delia: Charles, good to meet you. Have a seat. 

Charlie: Um, thanks. Charlie’s good. 

Delia: Right. Charlie. 

Charlie: Is this about Kat? I already said, I’m not mad. I get why she hit me. 

Delia: I also wanted to see how you were settling in, but we can start with Kat. You know I’m meeting with her as well and we can set up a time for the three of us to talk if that would be helpful. 

Charlie: No, that’s ok. I mean, unless Kat wants to. Like I said, I get it. 

Delia: You get why she hit you?

Charlie: Yeah, I put my foot in my mouth, like I always do. I just get…over excited. My mouth gets ahead of my brain. 

Delia: It happens to all of us. But the things you said–it sounds like you really believe them. 

Charlie: I mean, yeah. I didn’t mean to hurt Kat’s feelings, or make her sad or whatever, but it did make sense… couldn’t her sister become a powerful tool against the kind of thing that did that to her?  Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who sees how amazing this place is, like I’m the only person who wants to be here.  We fight monsters, save people, isn’t that worth sacrifices?

But I get it, she’s her family, not like, an asset.  I really get tunnel vision, it was insensitive.

Delia: what do you mean by sacrifices?

Charlie: I had a life.  I had a big bright future all laid out ahead of me and instead I’ve spent a year hiding in this haunted hotel, cowering, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I just have to hold out hope that it can all be worth it.  That the pain I suffer and that the other order members have suffered will, I don’t know, pay off somehow.  I just can’t let myself believe that these horrible things can happen, and no positive outcomes can be made out of them, otherwise what the hell is the point of all this shit I’m wading through.  There has to be some way to spin it.

Delia: I admire your positivity and you’re right, a great deal of good can come from pain. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t painful. Or that you’re not allowed to feel it. 

Charlie: I sit up at night just terrified that someone’s going to whisper in my ear: “it was all for nothing”.

~Luca~

Delia: I’m so glad we’re finally getting a chance to talk.

Luca:  Yeah, it’s been a long year.

Delia: I can’t imagine what a jarring transition it’s been.

Luca: Well, my life was weird before, but yeah, never been kidnapped.

Delia: To have someone completely take your power and agency like that… to threaten your life… extremely traumatic.

Luca: Yeah… I mean… I don’t have a sterling track record of personal agency.

Delia: What do you mean?

Luca: beat oh, just that, my parents were very very controlling, and then, this thing happened in highschool and after that the Order found me and kinda, put me on ice… there was all this stuff I wasn’t allowed to do and then… Voncid calls, and it’s like, ok you’ve been called up, this is your life now.

Delia: that’s a lot of other people pulling the strings.

Luca: that’s funny.

Delia: What is?

Luca: pulling the strings?

Delia: confused I don’t… I’m not sure what you mean.

Luca: Oh wow, sorry, just a coincidence, I thought you knew about the ummm… the incident specifics and were making a… a um… like a play on words.

Delia: oh no, just a turn of phrase.

Luca: that’s funny.

Delia: The specifics aren’t in your file, or at least not the one they let me see, but maybe we should talk about that, if you want to.

Luca: Umm, yeah sure, I guess that’s where all this started.

Delia: The beginning isn’t a terrible place to begin.

Luca: heh, yeah.  Ok, so… oh wow, I’ve been taking Ghost Wax statements all year and I feel like I’m about to start one.

Delia: I’ve actually been using the Ghost Wax recorder. It’s a remarkable thing; you should be proud of it. But I’m not recording this session I assure you.  

Luca: really?  Any specific reason?

Delia: Certain members of the order…

Luca: Voncid told me he saw you earlier, wow I can’t imagine what that was like.

Delia: I can’t say anything about that of course.

Luca: oh yeah of course, I’ll just keep imagining.

Delia: But yes, certain members’ classifications mean I’m not allowed to record for my notes or screening purposes.

Luca: well, aren’t I important?

Delia: you are, certainly. Shall we get back to that?

Luca: right right, so this all happened when I was thirteen and then again when I was sixteen I guess… I… man you think I’d be better at this after all the interviews we’ve done… I mean, with dead people honestly it’s easier, Voncid kinda pulls the stories out…

Delia: Take your time, you’re not performing, we’re just talking.

Luca: Okaaay, so… When I was thirteen I was, um, supremely lonely.  I know that is a condition of being young… the loneliness starts in your body, you are a stranger to yourself and so a stranger to everyone really.  You can’t know anyone because you are a different person every five minutes, but… Ok, I know my parents are abusive, I know that.  They almost seemed to… I don’t know, cultivate? My loneliness.  I became entombed in advanced programs and tutors and lessons… I play like six instruments.

Delia: oh wow, that’s quite impressive.

Luca: Yeah, I mean I HATE it, I’ll play from like behind a curtain maybe.  I can’t stand people watching me… but yeah they had these plans for me I guess.  Failure not an option, I was pushed into this for six months, then that for a year.  I actually liked piano for a minute but then… I don’t know, they took the piano out of the house… I woke up and the grand was just gone… because now it was violin, by the way here’s your violin.

Delia: That must have been really hard, having decisions made for you like that.

Luca: I hardly had time to think about it with all the programming, but I knew they had a kind of… darkness in them.  That their lives, jobs, friends, none of it really penetrated… just stuff skating along on the outside of their heart, nothing sinking in.

We would move as soon as I would get comfortable and I knew better than to protest.  They uh… they never hit me, but they had really… sighs really creative ways to punish me.

Like one summer after we had moved to Kennebunkport I refused to do my audio therapy at night, I just wanted to go to sleep without fucking Brahms and Desivolo and Wagner roaring in my head… anyways… and I was mad for us moving, I’d just made friends with some kids down the street and got invited to their ghost hunting club… for fucks sake I had no idea where Kennebunkport even was, turns out its in maine… We didn’t know anyone there, my parents… I mean I’ve never been clear on what they do exactly, they say they’re editors, so I guess they edit for books or publications, but I don’t know really, we don’t really talk, because they would do shit like how they punished me for not doing audio therapy…

I woke up to go to the bathroom one night after putting my headphones on, but not turning them on… I’m not even sure how they knew I hadn’t listened like I was supposed to, but I went to the door and tried to open it and… it didn’t budge.  The handle was freezing cold, and it was stuck, I couldn’t get it open.

It was such a weird thing and as I’m yanking on the door I realize that… I realize they knew I hadn’t listened to the music that night… and this was the punishment, it was just so… weird.

I had to pee out my window.

The next day at morning breakfast they didn’t. say. Anything.

I almost asked, but like, I was ten, I couldn’t really engage with how supremely creepy and unkind that was… So yeah, stuff like that.

Delia: I’m so sorry, abuse can take all kinds of .

shapes.

Luca: yeah, and I mean, I don’t know, they’re dead so like… can’t like confront them… that’s just a grave that will never get filled in I guess, but anyways the first strange thing that happened to me, was when I was thirteen.

I had this dream… this really vivid dream…

he can see it. It’s honestly more vivid than my memories. It never happened but it’s clearer than anything I can remember about my real life.

I’m at a carnival, with my best friend.  This boy… he’s… beautiful.  Brown hair, brown eyes that kinda look out or up at you?  I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but I can see him.  His smile is so wide and he has this little birthmark on his chin, just a dark spot so it always looks like he smudged his chin… He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him and we went through life like an adventure, pried its mysteries open… we had gone to this carnival just the two of us, we weren’t supposed to but we snuck off and used money we’d saved up… We were on this swing ride and we were up in the air, our feet dangling and the whole world rushed past us… and… I mean… I’ve never been that happy in real life… never.  

And then I felt this warmth on the back of my hand and… it was his hand… he’d put his hand on mine.

unsteady sigh

I looked over, shocked… his eyes darted away from mine… he started to take his hand away but I… I grabbed it and squeezed it… I don’t know why but in the dream I had this… terrible fear that someone would pull me away from him, even though we were up in the air, spinning around and the world was below us and just… colors.

And I woke up… with this… hideous sense of loss… All the air just kicked out of my lungs… and I made this awful sound… this guttural like grief sound… this thing wasn’t real and by being real had just broken me because of how… how much I wanted it to be real.

I um… it uh…  struggles to continue

Delia: handing him tissues here.

Luca: yeah, thanks.  It’s strange to be heartbroken because something didn’t happen.

Delia: not at all.  You wanted to be loved.  To love.  You had it for a moment and then it was gone.  How else could you react to that kind of heartbreak?

Luca: Yeah… well… umm… so I had something in my hand.

Delia: I’m sorry?

Luca: the hand he’d been holding, when I woke up… I had something in it and… it wasn’t anything I’d ever seen before… it was this… round, metal… I don’t know, parts of it seemed hollow?  It had these carvings on it, or in it, I can’t describe it, I wish I had a picture, you can’t really imagine it, its shape was impossible, like an escher thing… Anyways I tried taking pictures but they never came out and I don’t have it anymore. The um, Order took it when the incident at school happened.  I DID hear Master Brekken call it a um... Melitilith, but no research I’ve done has produced any answers on that.

Delia: exhales Whooo, well, you’ve met Brekken?  

Luca: Yeah, he um, cleaned up the mess my machine made.

Delia: The machine?

Luca: Yeah, this thing I woke up holding… I eventually built it into something and it… yeah… it um… sorry my phone is… uh… 

checks it

Oh fucks sake… uh yeah I need to…

Delia: ok, I understand.

Luca: Crisis after crisis.

Delia: We need to talk more, Luca.  This kind of pain isn’t something to keep inside and it isn’t something for you to deal with alone.

Luca: Turns the heart to stone.

Delia: yeah.

Luca: yeah… that’s something he said…

Delia: who said?

BUZZ of the phone

Luca: Fuck, sorry gotta… yeah.

Delia: Yeah, ok.  Soon?

Luca: yes soon.

~Pip~

Delia - Alright Phillipa, we’re all set. It’s nice to officially meet you. I’ve seen you around the Ardent, but we haven’t had a chance to talk yet.

Pip - Yes, a mandated therapy session is certainly one 

way to have an introduction.

Delia: I know. But I’m still glad for the opportunity to check in. I hear the work you do has become vital to Voncid, but the world of the Order is still new to you. I’m curious to hear how you feel your life has changed since you accepted your role with us as “consultant”.

Pip - Let me think. Over the past year, I was murdered, resurrected, thrown into a world of horrors and bureaucracy, increasingly able to see and interact with spirits, attacked in my home, again, my best friend was kidnapped by a deranged taxidermist, found that most of the Ardent, including said friend, blame me for the death of one of their own, apparently there’s such thing as a “Plague of Nightmares”, AND I can never eat popcorn again. I have to admit, my life does feel a bit different.

Delia - Why can’t you eat popcorn?

Pip - Once you’ve seen two mummified corpses crammed into a popcorn machine, it kind of loses its appeal. 

Delia - That’s fair. Working for the Order does make a “normal” life difficult.

Pip - More like impossible.

Delia - Which is why most recruits choose to devote their lives wholly to the cause, as opposed to balancing it with their previous life. 

Pip - I worked so hard to get my business off the ground. I’m proud of it, and don’t want to give it up just because some ancient mystical organization says so. Besides, I like to keep busy.

Delia - What about when you can’t be there?

Pip - What do you mean?

Delia - Like earlier this year, when you moved into the Ardent? After the Cypher manifested in your shop. How did you explain to people where you were?

Pip -[pause] I didn’t. Most of my clients are by appointment only, so I just stopped taking them. No one even noticed, really. 

Delia - Your family didn’t ask what you were up to?

Pip - No siblings. And my relationship with my parents is complicated.

Delia - In what way?

Pip - They separated right before I went off to college. Which, like, great! They were miserable together, so no problem there. But, they both kinda started their own lives after that, and I did the same. They never understood me, and to be honest, the love I feel for them is…obligatory?

Delia - What about friends? Outside the Ardent, that is. Or romantic partners?

Pip - Most of the friends I used to be close to are busy with their own growing families and careers. And, it turns out, a lot of people think opening an occult shop was a poor life decision. Who knew? As for romantic partners, well, it’s hard to find suitable topics of conversation. 

Delia - How so?

Pip - I can’t talk to normies about what goes on here. Or my abilities. That puts my options at “real-but-pretending-to-be-fake occult shop”, or dogs, I guess. I can’t let anyone know the real me.

Delia - You mentioned a best friend who was kidnapped. I assume you were talking about Luca?

Pip -  (slight pause) Yeah. Luca was one of the first people I met in the Order. Hell, he was in the room when I was revived! He helped answer a lot of my questions when I first came on board, and we started hanging out. Became friends. It was a relief to finally have someone I didn’t have to hide my weirdness from. Who just got it. (sigh) It was nice while it lasted.

Delia - Why do you think you’re not friends anymore?

Pip - Because of what happened with Mayberry. 

Delia - You said before you think he blames you for that.

Pip - I know he does. He told me so. Right before…well, before, Mayberry asked me to do a reading for her. She said she wanted to know more about the person she was seeing, turns out there was more to it… complex feelings about this: And I blew her off.

beat

Pip - Ever since people here found out what I can do, I get Ardent workers asking for a personal reading at least twice a week! And always for the stupidest shit! “Will my cat be okay while I’m out on assignment? “Does Jarvis in Alchemy think I’m cute?” “Where did I leave my notebook? No, not that one, the one with the purple binding?” Most of the time, it’s not even work related! I felt taken advantage of, so, when Mayberry asked if I could do a quick relationship reading, I put my foot down. I just…I just walked away. And then-

Delia - There was no way for you to know what Mayberry was going through, or what she had planned.

Pip - See, but there IS a way for me to know! If I’d just done the stupid reading, I could have told her to get the fuck out of that relationship! I could have alerted Owen and stopped what happened at the Field Office. We might have even been able to stop… Him. But I didn’t! I was only thinking about my own feelings and I left that woman standing in the hallway, without a backwards glance.  She needed me. 

Delia - What happened with Mayberry is not your fault. People are shocked and upset by what happened, and if they’re taking their anger out on you, that’s unfair.

Pip - It doesn’t matter if it’s fair or not. It’s how it is. pause Can we talk about something else, please?

Delia - Sure. Do you have something in mind?

Pip - Anything but this.

Delia - Okay. That’s a gorgeous necklace. 

Pip - Thanks. I like it because it’s sparkly and it covers the scar.

Delia - You prefer to keep it hidden?

Pip - I do. I don’t care what other people think about it. But seeing it in the mirror…it’s too much. It makes me think about that night, and I start to spiral.

Delia - The Vile Observer is a formidable creature. It’s understandable that the memory impacts you that 

way.

Pip - It’s more than that. It’s dumb luck that Owen came to the shop and found me when he did. I was fresh enough to revive. When I think about that night, I wonder what would have happened if he hadn’t shown up in time. Or, worse, if he hadn’t come at all. How long would my body have sat at that table, with the bloody cards laid out in front of me, before someone found me? Sure, some customers would have knocked on the door, but they wouldn’t think twice when I didn’t answer. Who would have even cared enough to… beat Luca told me it wasn’t his fault that I didn’t have anyone else, and it’s true. I can’t connect with people outside the Order because, if I want them to like me and think I’m sane, I have to hide who I am. And, within the Order, I wonder if they just want to use me for my gift. Luca was right. I don’t have anyone else, and now, with everything that’s happened, I don’t think I have anyone at all.

buzz from Delia’s phone

Delia: My apologies, I could have sworn I turned that off.

Pip: Check it.

Delia: Premonition?

Pip: Stalling.

Delia: with a smile fair enough.  beat to read the phone  I… oh well… that is… there’s a small situation Pip, I’m so sorry but I need to step out for… I guess I’m not sure…

Pip: Everything ok?

Delia: It’s Kat’s sister, Julie, she’s having some kind of episode.

Pip: Oh no… go go, I’ll wait for you.

Delia: Ok, yes, thank you, let’s hope it’s nothing serious.

Pip: Yeah, do what you gotta do, I could use a break anyways honestly.

Delia: Ok, I’m sorry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Pip: Sure.

Delia leaves.  We hear nothing for a moment.

Pip: humming

We hear music drift into the room from a distance

Pip: Huh?

The music grows louder and now we hear a small amount of static

Pip: Hello?

*There is a flicker of distortion on the recording for a moment as the Cypher rewrites some reality.  Pip goes to the door, too cautious to investigate the strange sound.

Pip: pulling on the door and finding it locked. Hey, what the hell… Hey!  I know the therapy is mandatory but you don’t get to lock me in… hey!  Help, someone open this!

The static grows louder.  There’s a loud click from the door

Pip: Finally, what the fuck was that…

The door opens, Pip find the Vile Observer on the other side of it.

Vile: hyperventilating with excitement Ohhhhh, helloooo Phillipaaaa

Pip: No.

Vile: Yesss… worth Every penny I paid for you.  Worth everyyyy bit.

Pip: No.

Vile: I’ve missed you.  I’m sooo hurt you rejected my hurting you… I slit your throat so well… so tenderly… it was one of my cleanest cuts, the game was done… You had one and received your prize, but you rejected it… Pip… that’s not how you play…

We hear furniture overturn as Pip flees, scrambling to get away from the encroaching creature.  The music grows louder

Pip: Help!  Someone help me! Please oh fuck oh god please help me!

Cypher: I will help you, my star, my favorite… take my hand, connect with me.

Pip: Oh my fucking god no no… HELP

Vile: she doesn’t want you, outsider, she must stay and finish the game…

Cypher: Take my hand… or stay here in his.

Pip: God FUCKING dammit…

Pip takes the Cypher’s hand

Pip: screams, her voice disappearing into fuzz and static